Quavers I re uploaded quite a few of my old videos to my YouTube channel along with a couple of new ones. I took them down a bit ago, for a few reasons - I was feeling a bit low on confidence, I wasn't overly happy with them, I didn't really like how I looked in them either. The thing is, I am who I am. Trying to be someone else is a waste of time. Improving myself and refining myself - yes. But changing myself? Can't be done. I look how I look and yeah I can put some nice clothes on, jewellery, make up, preen my hair and all the rest of it, but it doesn't change me - I'm just presenting a polished, fine tuned version of myself to the world. There's no vulnerability in it. This is what I dislike about social media and the like. You rarely get to see the rawness, the realness, the true person underneath, flaws and mistakes and all. Everyone is a continuous work in progress, always fucking up, always getting it wrong,


 I'm not very good at being on my own. I don't know how to cope with solitude. It leaves you lost, in a tangled mess of your own thoughts and emotions.  Even when I'm busy, my mind does a very good job of staying even busier. And when you reach adulthood its even harder as it seems like when you reach out, everyone has their own lives, everyone is busy doing other things, nobody has any time for you any more. In the grand scheme of things, I don't matter, to most people. Everyone is blind to you, so focused on themselves, their own gains and plans, what they want, what's best for them - it's rare a thought is spared. Life is so difficult these days that nobody can be bothered, nobody has enough energy to put in any more. Equal give and take, equal care, equal love and compassion is such a rarity these days. Its such hard work that no one can be bothered to even try any more. It's really fucking sad. All I want is to hear another person's voice saying my

Man of the sea

 My boy, I named you man of the sea. Describes perfectly your right, and your ability to love me unconditionally as we both navigate these choppy seas, and I don't know where is next for me. Alas, you help me fix the leaks below deck as I try to sail this heartless galleon. Captain of my own extremes, you stand beside me, one eye on the distant horizon, and without words you tell me "Were going to make it, you and I. I came to this world to show you the way." "You'll be my anchor", I reply, looking deep into your eyes. "Steady me from my broken chaos, fix the pain within my heart. Turn my anguish into art, we'll never ever be apart." Your smile my compass, laughter my wheel, I steer us back on course again. We found it hard, the both of us, what a time to be alive - but now I know I will survive, all I need is you beside. We nearly almost lost it there. We nearly sank. I need your strength, to pull me back. I ran aground, the night, it called.

Running Up That Hill

 I don't have a lot to say at the minute. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm going to go with good because feelings-wise I'd say I'm kind of OK. I feel like I've said everything that can possibly be said and I'm satisfied with the conclusions I've reached about everything. Which is an odd place to be in after several months of grueling questioning I've been giving myself and putting myself under the microscope, but nevertheless, I am there. Not really too sure where I am at. I feel like I'm in a bit of a nothing space right now. Running up that hill, my legs are feeling a bit tired and weary, but I keep going anyway because otherwise, I'll never be able to reach the top of it. Running up that hill has always been one of my favorite songs (and also one of my mother's) so it's been lovely to hear it topping the charts again thanks to Stranger Things. The Kate Bush version is the best of course, and a timeles

Free Falling

 Coping mechanisms - we all have them. And there's nothing wrong with them, unless they're unhealthy. Sometimes it's a little tricky to recognise that. We all have those moments where it all gets too much and we crave something just to numb it all and to take the edge off.  I have plenty of personal experience with substances and addiction - more than enough in fact. I have a very addictive personality, which unfortunately is inherited. Keeping it in check has always been a battle for me. From drugs, to alcohol, to gambling, I've been in the vice grip of addiction a few times. I've seen it happen to those I care about too. Trust me, its nothing but a downward spiral. We crawl back to unhealthy creature comforts all too easily when we're feeling down - whatever gives us that instant hit, that injection of dopamine, that adrenaline rush. In the moment, it does the job, sure enough. But the long term effects and the damage are far from worth it. When you're fee

The Raven

One of my favourite poems, I think about it a lot.


 How am I supposed to give up? How am I supposed to walk away? How am I supposed to stop loving you, and turn my feelings off like a tap? Please tell me because I wish I knew.  I've tried everything. I don't know what else to try. I can't change what's in my heart. Am I ever going to stop howling at the moon every night wishing you would come back to me? No, I'm not. Just because I know you're never coming back, doesn't mean I can just say right that's it, my feelings are done.  I thought I was but I'm just not. What am I supposed to do? There is no one else. There is only you. I only love you. You are all I want in the world. My heart is yours and you still have it and I don't want it back, it belongs to you, its my gift to you, however you wish to treat it.